


Grumpy Cat's Worst Fanfic Ever

by Elayna



Category: Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace
Genre: Alternate Universe - Crack, Breaking the Fourth Wall, First Kiss, First Time, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-20
Updated: 2018-01-20
Packaged: 2019-03-07 10:04:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,129
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13432401
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Elayna/pseuds/Elayna
Summary: After the events of the Lifetime Original Movie, Grumpy Cat's Worst Christmas Ever, Grumpy settles in with Crystal and her Mom, which includes a trip to the vet.





	Grumpy Cat's Worst Fanfic Ever

And so it came to pass that all was well with the world. The incompetent would-be dognappers were in jail, the famous and expensive dog returned to the pet shop in the mall, which would be financially saved by his sale, Crystal and Grumpy were safe at home, still telepathically linked, and Crystal's Mom Tabby was relieved her daughter was coming out of her shell and was really happy with her new boyfriend Jesse. 

"Really? Is that the best you have?" Grumpy glared balefully at the author. Or more precisely, looked at the author, but due to her dwarfism, her normal look was a baleful glare, which just proves judging on appearances is wrong. Grumpy was a very sweet cat, not at all deserving of her name. 

The author considered the opening. "What's wrong with it? I need to open with exposition to cover the movie." 

"If you're going to throw me into fanfic, you should open with me, not those idiots who thought a dog was more important than a cat," Grumpy complained. Perhaps her name was not a total misnomer. 

"What would you consider an appropriate opening?" the author asked, willing to accept input. 

How about... Grumpy rested on the couch in her new home with Crystal and her Mom, flexed her paws on the decorative but pointless cushion, and hacked a hairball onto the floor.

"Ugh," replied the author. "You want to open with cat vomit?" 

"No, that just happened." Grumpy gave another, softer cough, somewhat embarrassed.

"Grumpy!" Crystal ran into the living room. "Mom, Grumpy threw up." Crystal sat on the couch and scooped Grumpy into her arms, cradling the tiny Siamese. "Grumpy, are you okay?" 

"Lesson one, responsible pet care involves picking up after a cat's mess," Crystal's Mom said, entering the room with a roll of paper towels. Following the precedent set by countless other moms, she cleaned up the mess herself, letting her daughter remain on the couch, comforting the cat. 

"Talk to me, Grumpy, are you okay?" 

"Hairball," Grump replied, in her grumpy but somehow pert voice that only Crystal could hear. "Ack." 

"It looks like a hairball," Crystal's Mom said. "Still, we should get her a check-up now that she's our pet. She should have a rabies shot. And distemper, I think? The vet will know." 

"Shots? The vet?" Grumpy pressed close to Crystal, digging her tiny claws into Crystal's shirt. "Don't let them torture me."

"I'll be with you," Crystal promised Grumpy, still petting her. 

Her Mom gave her a bemused look, already getting accustomed to her daughter's tendency to talk to the cat like a person, and not realizing that the cat was indeed responding. 

"Mom, she may already have shots. Mr. Crabtree has her health records. I'll get them." 

"Good. No point in getting her shots if she doesn't need them. Still, I'll make an appointment. We should have a vet established for her, in case of an emergency."

Hopefully nothing dramatic would ever happen, Crystal's Mom thought silently. Finding out that her daughter had taken on three grown men had been frightening, but seeing her blossom in confidence as a result had been amazing, and the cat's friendship had clearly been a part of her transformation. Crystal's Mom had no idea what a vet visit cost, but she was going to make sure Grumpy had the best possible care, whether Grumpy liked it or not. 

~~~

"I don't like carriers," Grumpy sulked. "I have claustrophobia." 

"Come on, Grumpy," Crystal encouraged. "You used to sit in that small box in the pet store." 

"Small box with no top," Grumpy corrected her, flicking her tail as she paced on Crystal's bed, refusing to get into the carrier. 

With a sigh, Crystal scooped up Grumpy in one arm, grabbing the carrier handle with the other hand. "Mom!" she yelled, because she was a teenager and thought yelling was necessary in their small apartment. "Grumpy doesn't want to go into the carrier. Can I just hold her in the car?" 

"Honey, do you remember when Grumpy flew through the air and landed in the Christmas tree? It's lucky she wasn't hurt then." 

But she'd faked out Crystal, pretending that the telepathic link had been lost, which had horrified Crystal. For such a grumpy cat, Grumpy occasionally displayed a wicked sense of humor. "But that was a car crash. We were chasing bad guys. We're just going to the vet's." 

"Car crashes can happen any time, honey. She goes in the carrier. It's safest." 

Crystal recognized her Mom's tone when she would be immoveable and gave Grumpy an apologetic look, before sitting the carrier on the table. Grumpy conceded without a fight, looking away from Crystal in a way that signaled, 'Oh, very well.' In true passive resistance, she didn't cooperate, just didn't fight when Crystal gently manhandled her into the carrier and latched the door behind her. 

~~~

Despite the concern about an accident, the trip to the vet's went smoothly, Mom in the front while Crystal sat in the back seat with Grumpy, wiggling her fingers through the metal bars on the carrier door. Grumpy mostly ignored Crystal but occasionally offered one cheek for a brief, reassuring brush. 

Checking in was equally smooth, the vet tech creating a file with their details before asking them to sit in the waiting area for a few minutes. Crystal could tell that Grumpy was making impolite conversation with the other cat, an orange tabby, and an excitable terrier also waiting with their owners. She wished she could hear all the animals, so she knew both sides of the conversation and whether Grumpy's snappiness was deserved. Wouldn't that be cool, like a modern-day Doctor Doolittle? But being able to talk to Grumpy was enough, indeed an ability that she had never even dreamed she might acquire. 

A young vet tech emerged from the back, saying Grumpy's name loudly, then squatting down at Crystal's wave to gaze into Grumpy's carrier. "Aren't you a beautiful cat?" 

"No," said Grumpy. "You need glasses." 

"Let's get you in and checked out," the vet tech continued. "I'm Ben," he added to Crystal and her mom. "Dr. Quinn will only be a few minutes." 

The vet tech seemed a nice young man, not tall, and with eyes of an indeterminate color and hair that was brown with reddish highlights, but a smile that made his face glow with happiness when he aimed it at Grumpy. The Siamese had looked unimpressed, but then she always appeared dour. 

Ben escorted them into a small room, deftly removing Grumpy from the carrier, though she gave an unhappy meow.

Crystal's Mom sat on one of the two chairs, letting her daughter take the lead. The cat was hers and dealing with the vet tech should encourage her sense of responsibility.

"She's very unique looking for a Siamese. She appears to have some dwarfism." 

"Yes, she does." Crystal set a paper file on the counter. "It's here, in her file from the pet store." 

"You bought her?" Ben asked in a casual tone, though Crystal's mom sensed an undertone to the question. Crystal's Mom hadn't grown up with pets, and hadn't paid them much attention, so she hadn't heard 'Adopt, Don't Shop.' But now everyone reading this fic knows the slogan, and that the author encourages you to support your local rescue societies. 

"Actually, she was a gift. I work at the pet store in the mall. Well, I volunteer, and we - Grumpy and I - we stopped these guys and George from stealing an expensive dog."

"You're that girl? I saw it covered on the news." 

"Yes." Crystal smiled, but she felt flustered. The publicity had been so strange, reporters sticking microphones in her face and asking her questions, some of which were hard to answer without mentioning that Grumpy had talked to her and helped her figure out what to do. She'd been grateful when her Mom shooed them all away, announcing that her daughter was a minor and not available for interviews. 

"Grumpy is our first cat. We want to make sure she's healthy," Crystal's Mom interceded, refocusing the conversation to the immediate concern. 

"You've come to the best vet in town," Ben replied with utter sincerity, deftly placing Grumpy on a scale and announcing her weight.

"Hey! That's all muscle and fur," Grumpy insisted, as the door opened and another man entered. Crystal's Mom was very happy with her boyfriend, truly very happy, he was a great guy, but wow, Dr. Quinn was a hunk of a man. Easily topping six feet, brown hair with silver at the temples, blue eyes, broad shoulders... he was the kind of man who you would let eat crackers in your bed, except he'd bring you a platter of cheese, crackers, fruit, and chocolate, and remember napkins. 

"I'm Dr. Quinn, veterinary man," he said, which made Crystal's Mom smile.

"I loved that show." 

"You must be Tabby and you would be Crystal." Quinn shook hands with both of them before gently scooping Grumpy from the table, holding her so he could look straight into her eyes, blue meeting blue. "And this is Grumpy. What a beautiful little cat. Do you have any particular concerns?"

"She threw up a hairball." 

"But mostly she just needs a check-up." Crystal's Mom didn't want the vet to think they were overreacting or he should order expensive tests. "The pet store certified her as healthy." 

Grumpy had never thought much about her size. She was smaller than people and the dog in the pet store, bigger than the hamster or the bird, taller but not nearly as long as the snake. Dr. Quinn's hands were massive and she felt suddenly fragile and petite.

"Is she purring?" Crystal asked in astonishment. 

"Me? No! I don't purr," Grumpy exclaimed but Crystal didn't believe her denials because she had the evidence of her own ears. 

"Let's just get her checked out." 

Everyone lapsed into silence as Dr. Quinn examined Grumpy thoroughly: her ears, eyes, teeth, and abdomen, and listened to her heart beat with his stethoscope, his big hands confident on her small body. Setting her down, he took a quick glance through the paperwork from the pet store. "She seems very healthy, even her teeth are good, no signs of gingivitis. We'll add the dates of her shots to our records so we can send you a reminder when she's due next year. I wouldn't worry about the hairball if it only happens occasionally. You can give her Petromalt on a weekly basis. We sell it here or the pet shop would have it. She hasn't been spayed through, and that should be handled soon. In fact, if you want to leave her now, we can operate early tomorrow; she'll be ready for pick-up by midday."

"Keep me? Cat napper!" Grumpy fretted, giving Crystal a frightened look. "Don't let him steal me." 

Crystal picked her up from the table, cradling her close. "Mom, we can't leave her here. She'll think we're abandoning her." 

"Maybe if we waited a few weeks? We've just got her, I don't want her to feel like we've deserted her." 

"Tabby, Crystal, I appreciate your concerns." Quinn touched Grumpy's back lightly, stroking her. "Grumpy is a very small cat, very delicate, and her dwarfism makes her condition fragile. It can be very easy to think you'll handle something soon, but then she escapes one day..." He trailed off for a second. "Her health should never be risked with a pregnancy. I strongly advise you to have this done immediately." He stroked one thumb under her chin. "Miss Grumpy, I promise you that you will be treated with the utmost gentleness and respect, and that this is absolutely the best thing for your health, and that you will be back with your family tomorrow."

"Oh, all right," Grumpy conceded. "Since you say it like that." 

"Okay," Crystal said, releasing Grumpy as Ben took her. 

"Don't worry," Ben reassured Crystal. "She'll have the best of care." 

Grumpy gave a plaintive meow, resting her chin on Ben's shoulder as he carried her away. 

~~~

Grumpy was feeling very relaxed and in no pain as she was cradled in Ben's arms. He petted her softly and made cooing noises, living up to his promise to care for her. Dimly she could hear the cats and dogs that she'd spent the night with in the cages in the back room at the vet's office, but other animals' concerns seemed irrelevant at the moment. 

Well, she was Grumpy, other animals' concerns were generally irrelevant to her, but especially at this moment. 

"She looks almost happy," Quinn said, his big fingers delicately stroking her fur next to Ben's. 

"I don't think she'll ever look completely happy, but she is a sweet cat." To Grumpy, he asked, "You're a sweet baby, aren't you?" 

That much saccharine earned Ben the most severe glare Grumpy could muster in her drugged-out state. "I've never been sweet, and I'm not a baby."

"I think you stepped over a line," Quinn said, his voice amused, almost as if he could hear Grumpy's snappy answer. 

"She has to live up to her name, I suppose." 

"Stitches are okay?"

"You do excellent work, Doctor." 

"Please, I've told you that you don't need to call me Doctor." 

"Yes, you have," Ben said, giving Quinn a strange, nervous glance.

"What's wrong?" 

"I looked up that girl on the web last night. Crystal. I'd remembered she'd gotten involved with rescuing a dog from thieves, but not all the details." 

"And?" Quinn prompted.

"She ran around the mall evading three grown men and she's just a kid. That could have gone so wrong. She could have been seriously hurt. Killed even." 

"By those dimwits?" Grumpy scoffed. "Besides, she had me." 

"She was very brave, perhaps foolishly so," Quinn agreed. "Though I understand she credits Miss Grumpy with helping her." 

Ben looked up at Quinn, meeting his gaze directly. "Reading her story made me realize I can't be less brave than a young girl. I started working for you because I needed a job and your reputation is excellent but over these last six months, I've fallen in love with you. You are so caring, so thoughtful, intelligent and kind, and of course - " Ben let his gaze roam over Quinn's handsome face, his powerful body, "You are ridiculously good-looking. You are so perfect, you're almost inhuman." 

"No one is perfect," Quinn protested. "You know I have a temper." 

"Yes, with idiots who treat their animals carelessly. I've never seen you angry at anyone who didn't deserve it." 

"I still think your opinion is too high, but - " Quinn cupped Ben's cheek with one hand. "I have to admit I share a similarly high opinion of you. You are always interested, determined to do your best, and caring. And very attractive. You are the absurdly perfect one." 

"Oh, please," Grumpy muttered. "Get a room." 

"Really?" Ben's face lit up. "I hadn't dare hope you might feel the same. I just didn't feel I could stay silent any longer."

"I am grateful that you spoke up. You work for me. I wouldn't ever have thought it appropriate to say anything."

"And now that I have?" 

Quinn leaned down, his lips meeting Ben's, their mouths opening into a passionate kiss. "Now I think we should have dinner together tonight and talk about us some more." 

"That sounds like a plan to me." Ben licked his lips. "I'm wishing I'd waited until the end of the day to have this conversation." 

"We've got a few more minutes before customers start arriving." 

Ben gave a rueful look at the crotch of his scrubs. "I'm not sure more will be good for my respectable appearance, but I'll risk it if you will." 

Then they were kissing again, Grumpy snuggled between their chests, which were broad and warm. She had a close-up view, which she supposed some humans might enjoy. People did seem to like watching other people. Grumpy didn't much care about the view, but the rhythm of their breathing was deep and soothing. She fell asleep. 

~~~

Crystal and her Mom arrived promptly when told that Grumpy would be ready, Crystal dropping to her knees as Ben set Grumpy's carrier on the floor in the waiting area. "Grumpy, are you okay?" 

"My skin is going to itch when my fur grows back," Grumpy announced pettishly. 

Crystal leaned closer. "You must be okay, you're grumpy!" 

"Humphf." Grumpy bristled at the accurate comment. "Take me home." 

"Yes, Grumpy," Crystal said, grinning with happiness.

~~~ 

Quinn felt immensely content, naked in his bed, spooning with Ben, enjoying the sensation of bare skin pressed to bare skin. They had ended up working late, due to two pet emergencies, and had picked up Chinese food on their way to Quinn's house, fully intending to discuss their feelings for each other and how they saw their relationship developing. Instead, the food was cooling on the kitchen counter, as learning each other's body had taken precedence over eating. 

Ben made a noise like a contented purr and Quinn thought of Crystal's bravery and her Mom's responsibility as a pet owner, the two factors that had brought him and Ben together. How long would they have gone on, being polite professionals and never revealing the truth? 

Still, he thought, it was strange that one of his kind had given Crystal the ability to only hear Grumpy and not all animals. And even stranger that the author was setting herself up for a sequel that she hadn't figured out yet. 

"It's fun," the author thought back. "I like fun. What kind of perfect but inhuman person would you be, how are you related to the fake Santa at the mall who gave Crystal her telepathic powers, and when would you tell Ben, and would you give abilities to Ben?"

"That's your problem, but if you're going to set yourself up for another project hanging over your head, I think you should make it NC-17." 

"Hmmm... are you thinking?" Ben asked. "It almost feels like you're thinking. You shouldn't even be capable of thinking right now. I'm certainly not." 

Soon, the time would come to explain everything to Ben, but not today. "I was thinking about nuking a plate of the Chinese food. Are you hungry?"

Ben threw a wicked glance over his shoulder. "Not for food." 

Quinn gave a deep laugh, rolling Ben onto his back and settling on top of him. "We need to work up an appetite then."

The author sighed happily, always pleased with picturing Quinn and Ben together. 

On the pillow on Crystal's bed, Grumpy opened her eyes briefly and went back to sleep, content that the worst fanfic ever was over. 

~ the end ~

**Author's Note:**

> Notes: This is a silly fic, for a ridiculous movie, but writing it amused me. My thanks to Merry Amelie for the thorough and fast betaing.  
> Disclaimer: The boys belong to the Mouse House, Grumpy Cat to her owner.


End file.
